Michael McWilliams

Dear Vlad,

I hope you don't mind me calling you Vlad, but I feel we have much in common, although we have not met. Hunting, fishing, shooting and horse riding are all things dear to me too. We also have the same ideas about journalists. In fact we have some here that also suffer from severe Polonium Deficiencies. When you come to cut the ribbon on the power plants, perhaps you can do something about this annoying state of affairs.

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The reason for this comradely letter is to chat about the proposed nuclear plants you chaps would like to try building here in SA.

The reason I say “try” is no reflection on your lad’s efficiencies. Rather, it is a friendly warning that nothing involving the ANC and its alleged leadership goes according to plan.

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You may remember how ANC sloth and ineffectiveness drove Comrade Joe Slovo to an early grave?

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You chaps most generously supported Umkhonto we Sizwe, the so-called military wing of the ANC for decades. They accomplished very little, apart from proving that those cute little limpet mines of yours were not in fact foolproof. The poor chaps blowing themselves up more often than they did an Apartheid lamppost or two.

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Nothing has changed in the twenty five odd intervening years. This is the same mob you chaps banished to Lumumba Uni when they came to Moscow to study how to become good Communists. If anything, they have become plumper and more laid-back than they were during the “struggle”. That same struggle you would have much preferred to call a war, but were too embarrassed to do so.

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For a picture of what awaits you,you need only look at the poor chap in Austria who thought he had obtained the keys to King Midas’ treasure chest when he erected dozens of very expensive gantries for the ill-starred Toll Road project.

Despite hugely generous gratuities to everyone that counts, (and One that can’t), the project was a huge waste of time and money, with the Austrian outfit bearing the burden of providing kingly sums to people who suddenly became ineffective and fell asleep at the wheel once the money landed in their overseas accounts.

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I urge you, in the spirit of fraternal love, don't pay a penny until you get the cheque then wait till it clears. Furthermore, don't count on completing the project.

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The Only-Slightly-Communist Opposition are totally against the project . They feel it will beggar (bugger?) the country and besides, they have not received any inducement to encourage it to go ahead.

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This means that once Jacob faces his day (year?) in court over the Arms Deal corruption charges, he will probably be offered a deal in mitigation of sentence, so that, by exposing your Nuclear Deal as tainted by payoffs and inducements, the new Parliament can cancel the deal and refuse payment.

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You have no doubt seen and heard our Presidents singing talents. He sings about anything. He sings about machine guns (your justly famous RPD?) and killing Boers. I assure you, he will sing like a coal mine canary when offered a time-off-sentence deal by prosecutors anxious to stop your nuclear project in its tracks.

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This of course will leave you, like many other foreign dealmakers, with egg all over your youthful face and echoingly empty pockets while fleets of Maserati’s and Porches are purchased with Russian kickbacks.

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You must also remember that Number One’s loyalty can be purchased quite inexpensively.

He did a deal with the notoriously frugal French for R500 000 per year to sell his own country down the Seine. You don't get much cheaper than that.

In your terms, that would buy you a Lada Niva 4x4 and a couple of spares for the Dacha’s gamekeeper.

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In closing, I know you are dead keen on doing this deal and giving SA a string of little Chernobyl’s but please, before you do, take a squizz at the African Handbook that all Northerners should read before an expedition to darkest Africa is contemplated. A Pole (I know, just bear with me for a moment) called Joseph Conrad wrote an essential White Mans Guide to Africa called Heart of Darkness.

It will explain how Africa always ends up destroying or devouring its visitors, no matter how pure their hearts. I honestly don't think you stand a chance.

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Best regards

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Michael McWilliams

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South Africa