Patriotic Press 2

In a gesture of heartwarming magnanimity the President, Jacob Zuma, announced that his entire homestead in rural Kwazulu-Natal will be left to his family in his will.

Emulating the generosity of Cecil Rhodes when he left Groote Schuur to the South African people on his passing, Jacob Zuma has decided that he would equal the mining magnate and Prime Minister in his philanthropy, albeit in a less egotistical manner.

The President has emphasized that he will not stipulate any naming right on the development and he dismissed the idea of calling it the Great Zuma Kraal & Firepool with a giggle. “That kind of thing is for morally bankrupt imperial colonialists,” said the President. He did say that he had given some thought to the establishment of a Jacob Zuma Pre-Primary School on the premises as he felt that it would be a fine and lasting contribution to higher learning in the district. It would also keep the prolific offspring out of earshot on the far side of the chicken coop and cattle pen.

Work could commence on the school as soon as it could be established how it would contribute to Presidential safety. The Police Commissioner has been tasked with drawing up the plans with the help of an architect so as to be able to provide the President and his immediate family with a human shield of toddlers if an attack were to take place.

In the American Presidential tradition, it has been proposed by someone, without the President’s knowledge, that a Presidential Library be established at Nkandla (pronounced InKaaandla).

So as not to burden the nation with the cost of scandalously expensive shelving, the subject matter of the library will be confined to the military history of MK and books on the legal justification for charge-withdrawals in the SA Justice system.

Only a few small additions to the existing complex are envisaged. A small annex to the kitchen will house a mini-clinic and dining room for the food taster and his doctor.

A submersible pump will be added to the underground bunker in case a dam-busting bomb ruptures the Marblelite of the firepool which would threaten to flood the bunker in event of one of the Service Delivery protests in the village getting out of hand.

The last modification to the homestead is to drape steel-mesh camouflage nets from the lightning conductors. This will have the dual purpose of protecting the complex from mortar attack during the aforesaid Service Delivery protests as well as conceal the complex from the view of the less patriotic media and that tool of the Tokolosh, Google Earth.